Wednesday, December 14, 2011

nerd litmus test

Both pop culture and hispters have hijacked the term "nerd" and turned the image of "nerd" into something cool and pride-worthy.

I don't think nerds should be mocked or ostracized, and being a nerd is a worthy aspiration. My problem is that these people are now changing the definition of nerd to suit themselves, often so much that the very word is almost becoming meaningless. Also many self-proclaimed nerds or the pop culture version of nerds actually do little justice to nerds themselves, because the former versions of "nerds" in actuality are not nerds at all. No, they are cool people, manipulating the use of nerd to further give themselves outsider credibility and to emphasize how "different" they are from the boring, shallow jocks and sorority girls that are in stark contrast to their intelligent, culturally-sophisticated selves.

Yeah.

The definition of nerd that I'm going to be using is the socially-awkward, bookish, academically-driven, unfashionable nerd that I grew up with. The nerd who didn't have alot of friends and who wasn't popular in high school. In fact, social isolation and social ineptness is the hallmark of the nerd. The nerd is someone who dressed in clothes about 5 years behind what was considered trendy, or who wore clothes that weren't trendy at all. The nerd had interests that were far from the mainstream and who had trouble relating to others as a result. Almost always, the nerd was not attractive, or at least not attractive enough to be popular. (Hot girl nerds do not exist) I'm not going to use the alternate definition, listed in dictionary.com, that of someone who is single-minded in his or her obsession with something (comic books, computers, film, literature, fantasy, etc.). Although many nerds also fit the definition of being devoted to some hobby or interest, many people who fit this second definition are not nerds!! Although they would like you to believe they are. No no no!

So I have developed what I consider to be my nerd litmus test.

1. If you had sex in high school, YOU ARE NOT A NERD. NOR WERE YOU A NERD. Claiming you were a nerd in high school (now a favorite claim, especially among my generation, where the hallmark of coolness is that you're not considered cool) but mentioning you lost your virginity at 15 is like someone saying they survived cancer only to later mention that it was a stage one basal cell mole that they had successfully removed. It's just not the same. If you were successful in having sex in high school, that means that you were socially capable enough to to convince someone that having sex with you was a good idea. You probably were more than "socially-capable" and were pretty darn socially apt. You obviously were someone who wasn't completely embarrassing to be around, meaning that you were pretty presentable to downright attractive. Nope, no nerdness for you. And if you had a girlfriend or boyfriend, particularly if they went to your school, well, you're even more undeserving of claiming nerd cred.
"But wait! But I was in the school band! That makes me a total nerd. Even though I did get laid, it was with a former bandmate. I am nerd!!!!" (No, you are not. You could call yourself a band geek because you identify with that high school subculture, but you still probably had lots of friends and were popular within that group, and were clearly charming enough to trick someone into sleeping with you. You were not a nerd. Goodbye).

2. If you were voted "Best of" in any category in high school,you were not a nerd. This relates somewhat back to the first point. If your classmates knew enough of you and liked you enough to vote for you to win something, you weren't a nerd. You actually should consider yourself popular. Just because you didn't fit the teen movie stereotype of the popular crowd doesn't mean in actual high school you were unpopular or a nerd. Since when did any high school actually resemble the ones in teen movies?

3. Ladies: If you were ever voted onto any type of homecoming or prom court. This doesn't require explanation.

4. You were or are extremely good-looking. Nope. Even if you are incredibly shy, you probably have lots and lots of admirers. And usually really good-looking adults get very used to people being super nice to them for no reason other than them being incredibly hot, so they tend to get over their shyness. Self-confidence will do that. Which is why Felicia Day is a total geek, but not a nerd. And Zoey Deschanel? She's not a nerd on ANY planet. She's a beautiful, funny hipster who has a geeky devotion to things that aren't necessarily "cool". Which is now becoming cool. Which is why lots of girls are now saying they were or are nerds. When they're not. Which is what led me to write this in the first place. But I digress.

EXCEPTION: If you weren't good-looking in high school, either because you successfully hid it in ugly or terrible clothes (just wearing glasses doesn't count, again with the teen movies people!), or because you were a late bloomer, you can claim nerd cred ONLY if you didn't have sex, didn't have a boyfriend/girlfriend, and weren't popular.

5. You enjoy anything that is now popular and mainstream but still called "nerdy." Liking science fiction movies and novels, fantasy movies and novels, comic book characters, and/or video games no longer places you into the nerd category. These pursuits are incredibly popular now. Liking this stuff doesn't make you a nerd. Sure, if you were obsessed with Game of Thrones when it first came out you could possibly claim some nerd cred, but now? Puhleash. If my mother and half the people on the train are now reading Game of Thrones, then it's popular enough to not be considered weird. And now that 50 percent or more of Hollywood films are based upon comic book characters and science-fiction concepts, the former obscure obsessions of some nerds aren't that anymore. I mean, it's cool to go to Comic-cons now. In other words, cultural interests that are no longer weird, obscure, or "lame", are no longer nerdy.

This whole false labeling of nerds matters to me because I happen to have some nerd friends. And those that want to steal this label unfairly for themselves are taking away from actual nerds who deserve the title, for all it's negative and positive connotations. If someone was actually a nerd in high school, it is likely they had a lot of difficult and trying situations to deal with. So for some asshole to take that away from them because they "were into comic books" or "really into films" yet were surrounded by lots of friends and dressed cool and had sex with many women...well fuck you. You don't get to claim that title. And neither do you, pretty girls who happen to be into Harry Potter or knitting or other such shit. Quit trying to make people have false empathy for you. Quit trying to act like you are cool because at some point in your life you supposedly weren't. I'm not buying it. Stop diminishing the experiences of people I know and admire who actually are nerds. I'm sure the Bill Gates's and the Sheldon Coopers of the world will thank you.